Adventures in Anxiety: Have an Introverted Christmas!
It’s the last Adventures in Anxiety post of 2018 and I’m excited to share with you how to enjoy the holidays with your anxiety — basically, how to have an Introverted Christmas.
But first, a programming note: Not everyone celebrates Christmas, this I know. I do celebrate Christmas, and in my family this is always the holiday with the most anticipation (and attached expectations). If you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope these tips might be useful for a holiday that you celebrate, or if not a holiday any time with extra stress and expectations. I will make some Christmas-specific references but only to share clear examples.
To the holidayz!
I have a love-hate relationship with the holidays. Sometimes I appreciate holiday traditions because I come from a family that has a lot of holiday traditions. Christmas dinner? Always ham. We always opened presents a day early and then spent Christmas Eve with one side of the family and Christmas Morning with the other. But as my brother and I grew older and moved away and started our lives as adults, sometimes those traditions were harder to maintain.
Here’s the thing — “the holidays” can be such a loaded time for so many of us. It’s important that we can spend time with the ones we love and, yes, it can be easier to find time together when everyone is off of work. And, at the same time, they are days like any other. This is especially true in my family, as we celebrate more of a Holiday Christmas than a Jesus Christmas. And holidays get doubly-hard once you are married or split time between more families. You best divide up Christmas fairly or else someone will be upset.
Sometimes I want to just say, “Forget it all!” and go to Hawai’i for Christmas so I can eat shave ice and watch the sun set and feel the stress melt away.
When my anxiety was really bad (say, 2014 and 2015), I missed family gatherings and friend parties and traditions and all the things left and right I had to step back and get clear about what really mattered. Yes, there were things I wanted to join but sometimes that wasn’t going to happen. I did my best to express to people what was happening for me at that moment and people generally understood that I had good intentions but sometimes my body and mind weren’t cooperating.
Except for the holidays. Because those. are. sacred. So you better get it together, Sarah — because this is happening.
That’s what anxiety has forced me to do — find another way. So whatever tradition we had isn’t going to work anymore — what can we do instead? Or, put another way: What is more important — connectedness and relationship, or doing something an exact way?
The reason we have traditions, in my mind, is to come together as people and connect with one another, and, in some cases, share our stories of the past and our hopes for the future. But when you’re dealing with anxiety it can feel like you’re piling even more expectations on what already feels like a big ol’ pile of expectations.
I’m still learning to set good boundaries for myself and to stay clear on what will be best (healthy) for me. Every holiday season is an opportunity to practice this — and I hope for a year when I’m not without any traditions, but instead have meaningful interactions, traditional — or not.
So, as an alternative to this way of celebrating the holidays, today I offer up my guide — “Have an Introverted Christmas,” which is sung, of course, to the tune of “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas.” I hope these guidelines will help you create a meaningful holiday season that helps you manage your energy and, in my case, anxiety. Read on for my ideas on how to survive — and thrive! — this year:
Reflect on what would be meaningful to you: All of us fall into patterns without thinking about if it’s what we want or if inertia has taken over. Take 10 minutes to reflect on the holiday season. How do you want to feel during the holidays? After the holidays? What would you like to do and not do? What would make it meaningful to you? These can become your guideposts as you navigate the season.
If a tradition or activity doesn’t bring you joy or align with what is meaningful, give yourself permission to skip it: This is true not just for the holidays, but for life. I’ve gone to just enough karaoke parties or baseball games to know that those aren’t activities that appeal to me. Likewise, there are are holiday activities that I don’t find enjoyable. One thing I’ve never done is the Snowflake Lane holiday parade/show in Bellevue, even though I’ve had many a person tell me “OMG you just have to see it!” Actually, no, I don’t. Between standing outside in the dark and cold to a parking nightmare to lots of sound and light overstimulation, I’m good, thanks.
Another example would be any sort of White Elephant/Yankee Swap/awful gift exchange with unnecessary rules. Let me say that I appreciate it when my large second family moved to having each adult draw a name for each other adult rather than buy a whole bunch of gifts — it allowed me to put time and thought into my person. But most gift swap games are rather mean-spirited and chaotic, two things I don’t find “fun.” Just thinking about it makes my heart beat a little faster.
This also means that you can forget what happened last year if you don’t like it this year. Most years I send Christmas cards, except the years that I don’t. Sometimes I drive around and look at Christmas lights, and other years I just look at the lights on my Christmas tree from the couch. If it’s not feeling meaningful to you right now, don’t. do. it.
No tradition is worth that much stress. This is supposed to be a season of joy! Maybe reading that book about the KonMari method really sunk into my head because now my mantra is, “If it doesn’t bring you joy, discard it!”
When you decide to skip it, prepare for pushback: Get ready for the resistance. “But Aunt Millie will be devastated if you don’t go to her Sweater Party.” “You know how important it is to your sister that we attend The Nutcracker every year.” Or whatever it is. It’s holiday time, and the Guilt and Shame trains are rolling into the station! All aboard!
This doesn’t mean you need to let go of your needs and desires. It just means you need to hold firm and stick to your boundaries.
Instead of criticizing the activity (“Ugh, who wants to do X?” with an eye roll), simply say, “I’m really glad that you enjoy X. It’s not something I’d be interested in doing right now.” Then, if this is true for you, you might say, “I would like to spend time with you to catch up because that’s what matters to me.” And, if this is true for you, then say, “What about we do Y together instead?”
Remember you are not making anyone feel bad. You have the right to do what you choose to do. You are not “ruining the holidays” by not participating in a 4-hour caroling marathon. You don’t need to apologize! You can simply acknowledge what’s happening by saying, “I see you are [upset/sad/mad/etc.] right now” and if they remind you that you are ruining things, you can say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Suggest alternatives that do excite you: In families where traditions hold a fair amount of weight, think about what you might want to do instead and propose it. Instead of playing a loud game, suggest a puzzle. Instead of going out and doing holiday shopping in a crowded mall, have an online shopping party at home and make some nice appetizers to share while you shop together. Instead of caroling, put together a Christmas playlist. Or instead of going out for drinks, make cocktails at home and watch a Christmas movie. With a few minutes of thought I’ve been able to translate activities into similar activities that feel energizing (or at least less de-energizing) for me, and I let folks know that my main goal is to connect with them, and I think this alternative might help us do that a bit more. Rarely, if ever, has this not worked well for me.
Don’t force others into your alternatives: Let’s not fall into the same trap with the amazing activities or traditions that we love! A joyful response to a relative’s rebuff is not to say, “Oh I see, Uncle Bill — 1000 pieces is too difficult for you?!” It’s to express your intention and find another way to connect that works for both of you.
Learn to be “alongside” others: This has saved me so many times with both my own family and my in-laws. Sometimes either family will get into either a marathon discussion or a loud game or another activity that triggers me. Instead of joining, I’ve learned to be alongside them in the same space. This means I’m there but I have enough space so I can stay engaged without being overwhelmed. Some things that work really well for this are jigsaw puzzles, crosswords, Sudoku, knitting or crochet, scrapbooking, cooking, playing a musical instrument (perhaps in a neighboring space and/or quietly) or Lego building. I’ve found it’s best to have them be physical things (not digital) because devices throw up a wall that these physical things don’t (and who wants to behave like a petulant teenager? Not I!). This way you can chime in at times and are part of the broader experience without draining your energy so quickly.
Find the other introverts in the room: Trust me, you’re probably not alone at your gathering. Look around for other folks that might not be diving into whatever tradition or activity is happening. You can ask them if they want to duck into the kitchen for a snack, or you can sit down with them in a quiet corner and catch-up. I find this is especially important for family members who might not be able to participate. For example, when my grandparents were alive sometimes they ended up on the fringes because everyone was moving faster and talking louder than they were. Connecting with them in those moments was good for me and was kind to them, a true win-win.
Never rule out kids or pets: Everyone thinks their kid and/or pet is the best, so sometimes you can make like The Pied Piper or Snow White and connect with these populations. Sneak a few minutes with a baby or toddler (and you can hand them back to their parents if they cry), volunteer to take the host’s dog out for a walk, or find under which bed the cat is currently hiding. If you make friends with Miss Astrix (our cat) I’ll be so excited I’ll forget that you weren’t part of a conversation.
Make yourself useful: If you need a break, you can also help out. Does someone need a last minute item from the grocery store? Does the trash need to go out post-feast, or do the dishes need to be rinsed? Sometimes these activities allow you to step away for 5–15 minutes, which can be a much-needed respite. Also remember that hosting can be stressful! As my mom always said, Everyone loves a helper. And you love quiet. BOOM.
Don’t forget your regular routine: I feel like this goes without saying, but I’ll just say it — don’t abandon what makes your life run on a day-to-day basis. The six weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day will be much smoother for you if you don’t completely abandon all of your healthy practices. Eat at regular times and, as much as possible, stick to a similar diet. Keep going to the gym at the same frequency, even if it means shorter workouts (say, 20 minutes instead of your normal 45). Don’t forget bedtimes, and whether it’s therapy or meditation or prayer, mental health care matters too. All of us, especially us introverts, are better when we are at our best!
I hope these tips will help you make the best of your Introverted Christmas. If you have any ideas about what might make the holidays better for folks like me who struggle with anxiety and/or introverts, please add your ideas!
I want to thank all of you who have started on this Adventures in Anxiety journey with me!
Cheers, Sarah
P.S. Last up? I’m working on a 2018 end-of-year update, recounting the highs and lows of this year. Also coming up, if I decide to stick to this tradition — the 2018 book blog post with my annual top 15(ish) books.
